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ABOUT
JCBC FILMS
In this section, you can get to know
a little more about Jamie and Blaine,
the current twats who run JCBC Films,
and some of their key star guest performers…
BLAINE COUGHLAN
Born Alan David Before Christ in
1975, Blaine swiftly changed his name
to its current incarnation. As a result
of much of Blaine’s current
behaviour, don’t be surprised
if he has to change it again soon.
Blaine excelled at school although
not in any way that can be legally
disclosed here. His greatest moment
came during a swimming contest during
which he pioneered a brand new stroke
involving the use of his trunk strings
as a makeshift rudder and his fingers
as a Selva Tiger Shark 80 h.p. long
shaft outboard motor. Not only did
he win the gold medal (fashioned from
cotton wool and disdain), he inadvertently
emptied the entire contents of his
bowels to a previously unheard of
degree.
Soon afterwards, Blaine became the
official Father Christmas and was
shipped to Beirut in a box. Little
is now known about this period in
his life due to the extremist and
excessively intimate privacy laws
decreed by the Government, headed
by Steve Askew of Kajagoogoo. At this
point, Blaine had an extra forty thousand
ears grafted onto his legs for aesthetic
purposes. He subsequently had this
modified into his current orthodox
legs fearing persecution by the Jesuits.
Blaine made a decent living for eight
years as a Spaniard but was eventually
forced to abandon this vocation due
to lack of interest. In 1997, Blaine
had a chance meeting with a man who
would shape his destiny for the next
three decades and also inspire him
to harness his great love of lepidopterists.
This man was Geoffrey Hayes who fronted
the popular children’s programme,
“Rainbow” for sixty torturous
years. One of Geoffrey’s best
mates was called Jamie who rose to
prominence around the same time as
the left-hand side of Bungle’s
arse.
Blaine founded JCBC Films with Jamie
and has since been making merry with
the sensibilities of a nation whilst
also maintaining a modestly successful
business involving the hire of corpses
to the most persistent bidders.
JAMIE CLARK
Jamie’s introduction into the
world, which came in September 1974,
was unconventional in the extreme.
He was an unwanted baby born at slightly
more than full size and ejected from
a cannon inserted in the womb. He
landed in Newcastle and made this
his home.
Jamie was a prodigious talent with
a rapist mind full of bright ideas.
As early as the age of 3, he was seen
around the streets of Jarrow pedalling
his treatment for a film called “What
Women Want,” about a bloke living
inside a woman’s body. His playschool
classmates would taunt him that this
slick and cheesy Holywood film style
of idea was in fact a metaphor for
the fact that he was impotent, and
this ensured that Jamie got into lots
of fights. This was a hobby which
became a profession in later years
when Jamie joined the roster of World
Wrestling Entertainment, wrestling
as the little-liked character of ‘The
Promiscuous Uncle.’
By his early teens, Jamie found himself
in prison, accused of all manner of
grubbiness, including painting dogs
and smacking the poor. Jamie found
God whilst in prison, but then lost
him again in an attack that left him
with a sticky heart and a sense of
humour suffering from multiple sclerosis.
At his lowest ebb, Jamie discovered
self-pollination, and made this his
new God. Jamie tried to gain his freedom
from prison by selling the rights
to “What Women Want” to
the Governor of the Prison, who was
not interested. Jamie rotted away
in solitary confinement.
Jamie was released from prison as
part of the Good Friday Agreement.
Despite being afraid of the water,
Jamie re-imagined himself as Martin
Brody and went to live in New York
as a Policeman. Promotion was gained
when he successfully sold the rights
to “What Women Want” to
his bosses, and his reward was a relocation
to the peaceful bliss that is Amity
Island. Amity, as you know, means
friendship. During a momentous summer,
Jamie was to meet the man with whom
he would create and fuck up JCBC Films.
As he blew a Son-Of-A-Bitch Carcharodon
carcharias (Great White Shark) from
the seas, Blaine Coughlan emerged
from the guts of the smashed up beast
and landed in Jamie’s face.
The year was 1942.
“What Women
Want” is now a major motion
picture starring Mel Gibson and Helen
Hunt in 2000, directed by Nancy Meyers.
It was made from a budget of $40m,
and internationally grossed $374,111,707.
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