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In this section, you can get to know a little more about Jamie and Blaine, the current twats who run JCBC Films, and some of their key star guest performers…


Born Alan David Before Christ in 1975, Blaine swiftly changed his name to its current incarnation. As a result of much of Blaine’s current behaviour, don’t be surprised if he has to change it again soon.

Blaine excelled at school although not in any way that can be legally disclosed here. His greatest moment came during a swimming contest during which he pioneered a brand new stroke involving the use of his trunk strings as a makeshift rudder and his fingers as a Selva Tiger Shark 80 h.p. long shaft outboard motor. Not only did he win the gold medal (fashioned from cotton wool and disdain), he inadvertently emptied the entire contents of his bowels to a previously unheard of degree.

Soon afterwards, Blaine became the official Father Christmas and was shipped to Beirut in a box. Little is now known about this period in his life due to the extremist and excessively intimate privacy laws decreed by the Government, headed by Steve Askew of Kajagoogoo. At this point, Blaine had an extra forty thousand ears grafted onto his legs for aesthetic purposes. He subsequently had this modified into his current orthodox legs fearing persecution by the Jesuits.

Blaine made a decent living for eight years as a Spaniard but was eventually forced to abandon this vocation due to lack of interest. In 1997, Blaine had a chance meeting with a man who would shape his destiny for the next three decades and also inspire him to harness his great love of lepidopterists. This man was Geoffrey Hayes who fronted the popular children’s programme, “Rainbow” for sixty torturous years. One of Geoffrey’s best mates was called Jamie who rose to prominence around the same time as the left-hand side of Bungle’s arse.

Blaine founded JCBC Films with Jamie and has since been making merry with the sensibilities of a nation whilst also maintaining a modestly successful business involving the hire of corpses to the most persistent bidders.


Jamie’s introduction into the world, which came in September 1974, was unconventional in the extreme. He was an unwanted baby born at slightly more than full size and ejected from a cannon inserted in the womb. He landed in Newcastle and made this his home.

Jamie was a prodigious talent with a rapist mind full of bright ideas. As early as the age of 3, he was seen around the streets of Jarrow pedalling his treatment for a film called “What Women Want,” about a bloke living inside a woman’s body. His playschool classmates would taunt him that this slick and cheesy Holywood film style of idea was in fact a metaphor for the fact that he was impotent, and this ensured that Jamie got into lots of fights. This was a hobby which became a profession in later years when Jamie joined the roster of World Wrestling Entertainment, wrestling as the little-liked character of ‘The Promiscuous Uncle.’

By his early teens, Jamie found himself in prison, accused of all manner of grubbiness, including painting dogs and smacking the poor. Jamie found God whilst in prison, but then lost him again in an attack that left him with a sticky heart and a sense of humour suffering from multiple sclerosis. At his lowest ebb, Jamie discovered self-pollination, and made this his new God. Jamie tried to gain his freedom from prison by selling the rights to “What Women Want” to the Governor of the Prison, who was not interested. Jamie rotted away in solitary confinement.

Jamie was released from prison as part of the Good Friday Agreement. Despite being afraid of the water, Jamie re-imagined himself as Martin Brody and went to live in New York as a Policeman. Promotion was gained when he successfully sold the rights to “What Women Want” to his bosses, and his reward was a relocation to the peaceful bliss that is Amity Island. Amity, as you know, means friendship. During a momentous summer, Jamie was to meet the man with whom he would create and fuck up JCBC Films. As he blew a Son-Of-A-Bitch Carcharodon carcharias (Great White Shark) from the seas, Blaine Coughlan emerged from the guts of the smashed up beast and landed in Jamie’s face. The year was 1942.

“What Women Want” is now a major motion picture starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt in 2000, directed by Nancy Meyers. It was made from a budget of $40m, and internationally grossed $374,111,707.


"Return of the Blue Ice Cream" here.

JCBC Films are not legally responsible for anything they say or do. Judges concur.



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