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Complaints
Before submitting your fully justified
complaint, please check the following
Frequently Asked Questions to ensure
that your particular grievance has
not already been addressed in the
past. If it has been addressed, we
would urge you still to submit your
complaint, as we are no fans of all
this paper waste nonsense. E-mail
complaints must be submitted on paper
and posted to be considered.
Your latest offering has greatly
distressed my elderly mother. Is there
any recourse I could pursue to avenge
her anguish?
This is our most
frequently received correspondance.
Please rest assured that all of the
sketches produced by JCBC Films are
automatically forwarded to mysterious
government death squads with an extraordinarily
vague remit. Your mother will have
her revenge.
I watched one of your sketches
last night and have consequently vomited
into a skip. What medication can you
recommend to assuage this screaming
nausea pervading my insides?
JCBC Films suspects
that you are suffering from apical
ballooning cardiomyopathy which is
typically stress-induced and would
advise an agressive course of Heparin,
a highly-sulfated glycosaminoglycan,
which is widely used as an injectable
anticoagulant. If that has little
or no effect, try blowing into a paper
bag or something.
After telling my family that I
didn't actively abhor one of your
sketches, they have duly disowned
me. Can you suggest an appropriate
hostel or halfway house that I can
now frequent?
JCBC Films has previous knowledge
of a reputable sheltered accommodation
project in London called the Metropolitan
Housing Trust Ltd based in Fulham.
We recommend contacting a man there
called Arnie but try to avoid mentioning
his lost children or he'll kill you.
I have called the police to report
one of your sketches as a hate crime.
However, my complaint seems to have
been brushed under the carpet by corrupt
senior officers. What's my next step?
Significant portions of the UK's constabulary
are now owned and controlled by JCBC
Films. You can be confident that your
allegation is being taken extremely
seriously and will be investigated
vigorously and everyone thinks it's
really serious and really bad and
stuff like that. Basically, don't
worry too much about it. It'll all
turn out fine.
One of my great aunts was Catherine
Eddowes, the fourth canonical victim
of Jack the Ripper. What measures
are you putting in place to keep the
East End of London safe for decent
and put-upon working class martyrs
like me?
JCBC Films has recently introduced
a programme of roving vigilante primates
who are tasked to patrol the narrow
streets of Whitechapel from dusk to
sunrise. These creatures will effectively
locate any potential serial killers
that pose a significant threat to
the general public and tear them to
pieces where they stand. Please be
advised that the law-enforcing apes
are essentially feral animals dressed
in blue jackets and are occasionally
capable of making catastrophic errors
of judgement resulting in the maiming
or death of any person in their path,
guilty or otherwise.
I've heard from reliable sources that
your company is imminently planning
to film a project which will compromise
national security as well as leaving
large areas of Derbyshire and Leicestershire
covered with debris and yoghurt. Can
you assure me that any such disruption
to our picturesque part of the country
will be kept to an absolute minimum
and will not unduly risk the lives
of the local populace?
JCBC Films regret that no such assurances
can currently be offered.
If none of these examples
are relevant to your enquiry, please
continue here
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