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Before submitting your fully justified complaint, please check the following Frequently Asked Questions to ensure that your particular grievance has not already been addressed in the past. If it has been addressed, we would urge you still to submit your complaint, as we are no fans of all this paper waste nonsense. E-mail complaints must be submitted on paper and posted to be considered.

Your latest offering has greatly distressed my elderly mother. Is there any recourse I could pursue to avenge her anguish?

This is our most frequently received correspondance. Please rest assured that all of the sketches produced by JCBC Films are automatically forwarded to mysterious government death squads with an extraordinarily vague remit. Your mother will have her revenge.

I watched one of your sketches last night and have consequently vomited into a skip. What medication can you recommend to assuage this screaming nausea pervading my insides?

JCBC Films suspects that you are suffering from apical ballooning cardiomyopathy which is typically stress-induced and would advise an agressive course of Heparin, a highly-sulfated glycosaminoglycan, which is widely used as an injectable anticoagulant. If that has little or no effect, try blowing into a paper bag or something.

After telling my family that I didn't actively abhor one of your sketches, they have duly disowned me. Can you suggest an appropriate hostel or halfway house that I can now frequent?

JCBC Films has previous knowledge of a reputable sheltered accommodation project in London called the Metropolitan Housing Trust Ltd based in Fulham. We recommend contacting a man there called Arnie but try to avoid mentioning his lost children or he'll kill you.

I have called the police to report one of your sketches as a hate crime. However, my complaint seems to have been brushed under the carpet by corrupt senior officers. What's my next step?

Significant portions of the UK's constabulary are now owned and controlled by JCBC Films. You can be confident that your allegation is being taken extremely seriously and will be investigated vigorously and everyone thinks it's really serious and really bad and stuff like that. Basically, don't worry too much about it. It'll all turn out fine.

One of my great aunts was Catherine Eddowes, the fourth canonical victim of Jack the Ripper. What measures are you putting in place to keep the East End of London safe for decent and put-upon working class martyrs like me?

JCBC Films has recently introduced a programme of roving vigilante primates who are tasked to patrol the narrow streets of Whitechapel from dusk to sunrise. These creatures will effectively locate any potential serial killers that pose a significant threat to the general public and tear them to pieces where they stand. Please be advised that the law-enforcing apes are essentially feral animals dressed in blue jackets and are occasionally capable of making catastrophic errors of judgement resulting in the maiming or death of any person in their path, guilty or otherwise.

I've heard from reliable sources that your company is imminently planning to film a project which will compromise national security as well as leaving large areas of Derbyshire and Leicestershire covered with debris and yoghurt. Can you assure me that any such disruption to our picturesque part of the country will be kept to an absolute minimum and will not unduly risk the lives of the local populace?

JCBC Films regret that no such assurances can currently be offered.

If none of these examples are relevant to your enquiry, please continue here


If none of this applies and you're thinking "bugger off" then click here.

Buy Jeremy Irons lunch.



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