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COMPLAINTS
JCBC Films is
a Centre Of Excellence in the field
of being complained about.
If you would like
to register a complaint against JCBC
Films, then please read the following
questions and suggestions so we can
file and categorise the nature of
your complaint more easily.
Please structure
your letter accordingly;
Dear JCBC Films,
I wish to register
my complaint in the strongest possible
terms about your stupid films. Watching
them has caused me much anguish. I
feel that your films are (please insert
the following key phrase);
• Evil
• Homophobic
• Racist
• Fucking stupid
• Likely to cause a Holocaust
• Likely to make me rape
• Already making me rape
I hope all of
you at JCBC Films rot in Hell. I urge
you not to make any more films, and
if you do, I will come round your
house and I will (please insert the
following key phrase);
• Destroy
you
Seriously, no
fucking about, I hate you and if it
were possible, I would have gone back
in time and killed your families so
you could not be born. But given that
you have been born, and have made
these stupid little films, I demand
some compensation. I will accept (please
insert the following key phrase);
• an unconditional
apology
• a promise that you will hang
yourselves
• a boat
• a week off work with a prostitute
• a go on a jet fighter plane
• a tour of a vineyard in Spain
or Chile
• your cocks in a phial
Thank you for
considering my complaint. I enclose
a cheque made payable to JCBC Films
in the sum of £69.99 to cover
your administration costs.
Yours faithfully,
(please insert
the following key phrase);
• Your name
Please note that complaints will not
be accepted without the cheque in
the sum of £69.99. All valid
complaints will be taken very seriously,
and will be adjudicated by Messers
Clark (J) and Coughlan (B).
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