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JCBC Films was the idea of Blaine and Jamie, two little boys from Cambodia, who just wanted to make people smile and drink Coca Cola manufactured in Cambodia. They wrote that song about teaching the world to sing in harmony (lyrics JCBC Films / music Rogers & Hart).

But bad things happened along the way and the days grew darker, not lighter, and JCBC Films became associated with the Devil and The Wicker Man. It is only recently that JCBC Films have been able to extricate themselves from all this darkness, death and murder, and have concentrated on making fictions and silly little films. They’ve also given up looking for Rowan. But the roots of the company, and the ethos of JCBC Films, are entrenched in history like some wasted fable that is told by gnarled old women with no teeth and a bad smell of piss about them.

JCBC Films was formed in the aftermath of the Protestant Reformation in Wittenburg, Saxony, in 1517 and original Board Members – despite the obvious and grotesque anachronisms demonstrated here – included Martin Luther, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Yehudi Menuhin, Moomin Troll and Roger Daltrey.

The first film indeed was the brainchild of Aquitaine, when she came up with a sharp parable satire on the ludicrous custom of tithing in agricultural England. She cleverly denounced the political framework of Middle England parliamentary charges with the arresting visual of a naked shepherd farting on a newly shorn goat.

The Film was immediately tried by ordeal and was drowned in the River Severn as a Heathen Witch, but gained a legacy and popular notoriety amongst the commoners and lepers of Somerset and Avon.

The film company quickly separated from their Religious Doctrine and became a safe haven for all the waifs, strays and urchins across Europe and the New Lands which they called America.

JCBC Films invented Australia, that’s a fact.

JCBC Films also invented language, the Tower of Babel, and Wikipedia.

Despite everything we have stated above, the earliest documentary evidence of JCBC Films can actually be seen woven into the fibres of the long bit of bog cloth that is the Bayeux Tapestry. Shortly after Guillaume le Bâtard sailed across the Bay Of Bengal and established armaments at the small town in rural England that would later become ‘Battle’, JCBC Films turned up and tried to break up the fighting with a spontaneous display of entertainment and frippery. However, what they assumed would be accepted as a farrago of outstanding wit would become the real catalyst for the French outrage. It is an unknown fact that Harold was never actually present at the Battle, but he relinquished the English crown in shame when he heard of the antics of ‘Ye Olde Idiots that be JCBC Films and their Lazy Dongles’ and stabbed himself in the eye with an arrow.

JCBC Films was then outlawed in The Doomsday Book, and was only re-established in the last century following an underground campaign led by The Illuminati, who then went on to murder Popes and stuff.

The next documentary evidence of JCBC Films in history sees them standing alongside Ghandi.

But herein lies the truth. JCBC Films never accepted that they could be outlawed, so they escaped on a boat to India, where from 1067 until 1947, they lived in hiding inside the digestive tract of a right massive Elephant called Eric Djemba-Djemba (who later went on to play for Nantes, Manchester United and Aston Villa, and represent Cameroon in the 2002 World Cup Finals)…

Whilst in India, they established a reputation for persiflage, lampoonery, repartee and crafting fine weaponery. They made knives, nun-chukkas, bludgeoning stones, and they invented guns as a gift to the nation.

They were escorted out of the country on logs when their so-called gift was used to wipe-out their mate Ghandi.

They next turned up in Texas in 1963. Befriending an awkward twat called Lee Harvey Oswald, they introduced him to the joys of their new-fangled invention for destroying the fuck out of things. Lee loved it, and embittered the boys at JCBC Films when he took their generosity and used a gun to blow open a hole in the head of their next new friend, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

JCBC Films took back their guns in disgust, and gave it to a nice young boy called Mark Chapman for safe-keeping…


It was at this stage that JCBC Films stopped making guns and moved back into films.

A study of JCBC Films activity carried out in 2006 by Professor Remi Moses (who played for Manchester United and West Bromwich Albion in the mid 1980s) showed that the company should be questioned about the deaths of over 3 million people, including the Big Bopper. So far, JCBC Films have yet to deny their involvement.


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